By Zed A. Shaw

Since Google seems to think that I asked it to draft up a heavily biased set of laws that only benefit itself and Verizon I thought it was only fair that I draft my own proposed recommentation for Google. Normally if the FCC wants your fucking opinion they'll come and ask you...oh and some professors, and some politicians, and some ISPs and some law enforcement guys, and other people the FCC has to care about. But oh no, Google and Verizon seem to think that somebody wants them to make laws. I mean, last time I checked, the politicians that they pay off with massive donations are the ones who make the laws.

Why can't Google and Verizon just keep doing politics the old fashioned way? With bribes, and graft, and lobbyists. I miss the old days because at least back then there was some time before shit happened. Now we get corruption in Internet time.

Well, I figure, what the hell, I might as well team up with some dude and draft my own resolution for Google and Verizon to shut the fuck up. So I present to you, Google, a bi-lateral compromise on why you should shut the fuck up between myself and A Random Hobo.

Incidentally, I'm not sending this to Verizon because I already know they're crooked as shit. That and I don't want the NSA to hand over illegally obtained information to the FBI so I can be arrested like they did with Qwest's CEO.

Q: What do you think of monopolies?

Zed: "My government exists as my advocate against you greedy fuckers from screwing me over in the name of monopoly. In fact, if it weren't for my government and Al Gore telling the phone companies and the publishing industry to suck a nut there would be no Google. Only AOL. You would only have AT&T ramming you up your backside for $1000/minute cross country phone calls that actually cost $1. You would only have one huge airline. Fuck that, I want efficiency and to keep you dick cheeses in check I want a mean old cranky FCC guy who's job is to fine you so kids in Texas can have roads.

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Al The Hobo: "What the fuck is the internet? Can you get crack on the internet? Tina? Craigslist? What the hell is that? That where you white people get crack? Shit I just walk down the street and get my crack from Jimi James. Now, if I don't like the crack Jimi gets me I can go to Alex and then Mary's got some shit too. Point is, I have a choice in where I buy my crack and I'd be pissed the fuck off if some asshole cornered the market. Thank Jebus the cops make it hard to do that!

Q: What is a "free market" really?

Zed: The fact that Google has the audacity to claim that a resolution which restricts free choice and free speech for consumers improves the free market means they are corporatists not capitalists. Corporatists think the "free" in free market means freedom for sellers to sell whatever the fuck they want. It's actually freedom for consumers to choose. That means, if I want to buy an Android phone and put it on Sprint's network then I should fucking be allowed to do that. Any laws that prevent me from doing that, or restrict my ability to access content in any way is not "free market".

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Al The Hobo: I got this buddy who loves shitting on the sidewalk. He'll walk down Jones St. and if he's got the runs he just pounds a brown baby pudding right into contrete! Disgusting. He says he's allowed to do this because it's a free country, but the problem is, if everyone shit wherever they wanted just 'cause they feel like it, then this place would just be nothing but shit. We gots toilets man! Fucking use them. That's why, when he got nicked by the cops the other day for dropping a steamer in front of an old lady I was glad. I sure as hell wasn't gonna stop some guy from pooping.

Q: What do you think about Google's resolution?

Zed: Shit, I knew they were crooked. I think every dude I talk to who works there is some weird zombie. They tow the corporate line like a tugboat down the Yangztee and never question what's going on. That alone means there's nobody there that asks something like, "Hey, wouldn't this piss people off and screw them over?" Now maybe if their goal was like Microsoft's of "A computer on every desktop" where a whole bunch of people benefit I'd be more alrighht with it. But holy crap, Google sold out the entire US population for...ads? For fucking ads? For ads on phones no less. That's just sad.

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Al The Hobo: I think Gogol is an asshole. That motherfucker screwed me over in a drug deal the other day and took my fucking sandwich. If you see that asshole punch him in the neck for me. Huh? Goooogle? Who the fuck is Google? I thought you were talking about that tough Russian up in Nob Hill. They got free food?! Well shit I like Google quite a lot if they gives me free food. Huh? I have to be white? And a nerd? Well ain't that some shit? Pasty faced fucking nerds get everything in this town. Well then fuck Google too.

Q: Will the FCC adopt these rules?

Zed: Hell yeah, I mean it's not different than what they'd have paid some Senators to draft. This is just more efficient. Instead of greasing palms and paying lobbyists and being chummy with Obamaha all they have to do is make the law and then the FCC can adopt it without nary a vote to be seen. Democracy rules!

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Al The Hobo: The FCC can suck my dick! And trust me I got a monster they can gag on too! Fuck them. Bunch of crooks! They've been fucking with what people really want to say ever since I was a kid. Passing laws and shutting mofos down just to keep some stupid old ladies happy. Fuck those old ladies. I wanna see some real life on TV! My life is real, and it ain't gonna be on TV. They ain't gonna show me trying to dig in the garbage for food or doing a hot shot or getting my ass kicked by some racist assholes. The FCC just wants everyone to live in this lily white fantasy. That ain't real man! That shit ain't real!

Q: Should Google and Verizon have made the resolution?

Zed: Google is a fucking whore. I mean I expect this from Verizon, but Google? I used to be proud of those guys. They reinvented the Internet and were one of the few companies I trusted. I mean sure they can't ever delete something and nearly every product except 2 sucks balls, but they were our last hope for a technology landscape not run by suits and assholes. Well so much for that! Looks like Google is actually just as psychotic as every other monopoly out there.

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Al The Hobo: You ask a lot of questions asshole. You said I'd get $20 bucks if I stood here and answered your questions. Now I'm getting tired. I didn't walk up to you and grab you by your jacket and yell, "Yo I got some shit to say listen!" You asked me. I mean maybe that's what this Google dude did. He walked up to someone with his big bully brother and said, "Hey! I got lots of money and a bad mother fucker by my side. Listen up!" That's just rude mother fucker. Fucking rude.

Q: Would you work at Google?

Zed: No, actually I've had a few offers from them to be a system administrator but I passed on that. Being a sysadmin at google has got to be like mopping up at the Polk Gulch after 2 for one Tuedsay. After this though, no way. I see that they really aren't innnovative, tend to just steal all their tech from other companies and generally are just becoming as shady and evil as everyone else.

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Al The Hobo: You said they have free food right? Well fuck yeah I'd work there. Hell I guess that's why they got all those nerds working there. Free food will make a man suck some huge dick for a long time. Men mary plenty ugly women for free food. Hell they got free food I'd be all over that. I'd live down there. Get fat. What a life! I can totally see why those motherfuckers will do anything Google says. Dat must be some sweet vittles bitches. Make a man sell his soul kinda meat loaf I bet.