Oppugn.us

I'm not a rich guy by any stretch of the word "wealth". I mean, I pretty much live off donations writing awesome code that nobody will make a movie about later. I've got some sweet guitars, and a couple nice computers. I get to eat some alright food. Yeah I'm doing pretty decent, but definitely not wealthy at all.

But let me tell you, if I had the money that a "Super Angel" has, I sure as hell wouldn't pick a shithole wine bar in the ass end of town to hold my secret meetings. I mean c'mon, Bin 38? It's got two $$ on Yelp. No self-respecting rich dude should ever be seen in a $$ rated place. Hell, the places you guys should be building should require at least a million dollar membership and the sacrifice of an orphan baby girl on Winter Solstice.

In the spirit of givin' out advice where absolutely none was requested, I've decided to help you guys build the best place for you to get together and have your cookies and wine.

First, I'd have like a fucking Star Chamber with the actual Michael Douglas serving me fucking Tea and cookies. That'd rock pretty hard right away if only because the movie poster looks damn cool. A bunch of old craggy manly heads enveloped with a white light from behind so your victims can't make out your faces. Epic. I could see you guys all having the startups you fund stand in front of you while you ask them in your best old man voice, "Did you make any money today?" Then you pull a lever and the failures just get dumped into a shark tank.

Ok, a Star Chamber is a good start, but if you want secret society bad assery you've gotta take notes from the Masons. I mean, they're "secret" meeting hall in SF is so absolutely fucking awesome they had Snoop Dog play there. Yes, Snoop Dog. I don't think you could fit Amy Winehouse's crack whore waif body into the bathroom at Bin 38. Now a Mason lodge style getup would totally do it for you guys. You could trick it out with trap doors, and spikes, and just pick up some random dudes off the street to keep in a dungeon.

That'd also help out San Francisco because then the hobos would be crapping in your dungeon instead of on the side walk. That's totally win-win baby. WEEN-WEEN.

Alright, so the Mason lodge might be too old school. You're all in tech, so you need an awesome tech savvy spot. Something even better than the dungeon the CEO of Broadcom was making to keep his sex slaves in during "sleep overs". Some high tech place you can keep all those startups that fail you.

Aha! I got it, how about like this awesome Logan's Run style compound where everyone wears bracelets that kill them if they don't float to the top of the startup tunnel and get that brass ring! Wow, I like this idea. Think about it. You get to play with technology. You get to control a whole vast empire of startups. You get to kill off old people ('cause we all know you hate old people). Hell you even get to wear sweet costumes and shoot lazers.

I mean, who doesn't love lazers. Amirite?

Yeah man, I love it. We can call it "Super Angle Awesome Paradiso Supremo Town" so that startups are all jazzed about showing up. Since you guys fund apparently every fucking thing, I'm sure a few million here and there to build a compound isn't that much. You could probably even get your first few startups to build the thing for you at these sweet valuations you're crafting. What like $5 for a 50% stake or so? Totally fair.

If anyone is interested, I'm available for more brainstorming about your next compound. I of course can't help you with making money, since I suck at that. I can however help you become even more evil. We can work on your laugh, your shaved heads, goatee (gotta have that) and work on your meeting place. After that it's all about the rants and the cursing.

Of course, if you have Google coming to these meetings then I'm afraid I'm just too outclassed in the evil department. I mean those guys are so evil nobody thinks they're evil.

Just like Satan.